We thought we'd inject some levity into this month's issue of The Leader's Playbook. So, with our tongues firmly in our cheeks, we offer some suggestions for inclusion in your company's sick leave policy:
Sickness: We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof you were sick. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all that you may have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for when we brought you on board with us.
Death: Other than your own, this is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for the departed, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave one hour early, provided your share of work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Exception to the above: Your own death. This is an acceptable excuse for missing work. However, we require at least two weeks' notice to allow for training of your replacement.
Miscellaneous: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with an "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation.